obsess yourself with causality

2012-01-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

I think ya broke me.

The Tail End

2011-11-21T08:33:00.000-05:00

An Email, Sent Across the World

2011-09-13T03:34:00.003-04:00

I feel really fucking miserable right now. Bawling my eyes out. I just don't want to be sad anymore. It's not just time. It's not just being unemployed. I've hidden myself away from people bit by bit. They don't know that I've slept through sunday, monday afternoon, and most likely tomorrow. I get up, say hello and apply to any jobs, and go back to sleep until she comes home. I'm not eating much. I'm dehydrated. I went to the gym but could barely concentrate. I just sit online all day, waiting. Checking for more jobs, checking up on people. What is there to wait for? Nightime when the daily Cheers marathon is on? Friday, for the unknown? Halloween, for me to be so self conscious I can't be myself, even in costume? John's wedding when I get to tell everyone I'm still unemployed and no, I couldn't fit my fat ass OR tits into grandma's old dress?

God I wish I was more important. I've become so dull and fearful. And I'm tired, so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself.

2011-08-22T01:39:00.001-04:00

Because, perhaps when I've changed, the universe will work in my favor.

I have come to adore sleep.

2011-01-11T14:48:00.002-05:00

Sleep is when you are all mine, and if you aren't next to me, I can dream that you are. No one is taking your time up but yourself. No one can disturb our time together, until morning texts you feel are important. Calls will go unanswered at this time. No one can interrupt a conversation we have, for there are none. [In the waking world, I give into my competitors stronger voices and uninteresting chit-chat; how can they have so much to say?] You're so sweet at the time right before sleep, and it's just for me. I try to stay up just a little longer than you, so that I can relish it. The quieter I am, the more I can tell you are soundly asleep. If I am loud, if I do toss, you stay sleeping anyway. If I move ever so slightly toward you, you will fling your arm over my waist and snuggle in close, sounding so content. I do this often. You rarely remember these instances.

Then that bloody dog will bark, or that damn phone will chatter, or someone will need a favor, and you're up and away from me and my world where it is just us. You'll take on your role being big brother to everyone who requests it of you. I'll close my eyes and pretend you're still next to me, and dream of it until it is too cold to convince my sleeping self to remain there, when I jolt awake and wonder where you are. I know where you are. You're always there. I'm not in a relationship with all these people, most of them couldn't give a damn about me anyway. Then I wait all day for sleep to come again. Will I be allowed to stay tonight? Or will I have to sleep uncomfortably at home, where it is at least quiet, but you aren't there? Perhaps I'll just stay up all night, in hopes of napping with you later.

And that, dear, is why I sleep in so late.

Understood

2011-01-01T19:36:00.002-05:00

I get it. Everyone is better than me. And everyone is infinitely more interesting than I.

Attention

2010-12-27T23:17:00.001-05:00

Does it really need to be spelled out? Or am I just that unremarkable? Perhaps now you understand my concern?

Telephone

2010-08-06T16:00:00.000-04:00

Maybe I do want to be treated as a princess afterall.

Drift

2009-12-06T17:03:00.000-05:00

This semester has made me feel very unlike myself.
I am selfish, boring, and tired, all the time.

This is not me. This was never me.

2009-10-21T16:54:00.001-04:00

Sadtown. Sad sad sad sad sadtown.

Woe is Me

2009-08-19T21:04:00.000-04:00

Using only song names from one band, answer the following questions.

Pick your Artist:
Warren Zevon

Describe yourself:
Excitable Boy

How do you feel:
Numb As A Statue

Describe where you currently live:
Please Stay

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Veracruz

Your favorite form of transportation:
The Envoy

Your best friend is:
Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner

You and your best friends are:
Werewolves of London

What's the weather like:
Ain't That Pretty At All

Favorite time of day:
The Rest of the Night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

What is life to you:
Life'll Kill Ya

Your relationship:
El Amor De Mi Vida

Your fear:
Lawyers, Guns and Money

What is the best advice you have to give:
Hit Somebody

Thought for the Day:
I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

How I would like to die:
Accidentally Like a Martyr

My soul's present condition:
My Shit's Fucked Up

My motto:
Gorilla, You're a Desperado

Chokehold

2009-07-26T22:00:00.001-04:00

Is it really a threat?
I know it's not.
Why do I seem to feel it is?

Year of Carnage

2009-03-04T00:08:00.002-05:00

If I were to die, I'd want to be remembered. More than just a measly facebook group with <60 members, with 3 wall posts. I'd want to be truly missed. Truly.

Mutated

2009-02-24T03:00:00.001-05:00

I've decided I could never be a mother. If I gave birth to a deformed child, I wouldn't want it.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

2008-11-09T13:23:00.006-05:00

In an attempt to move out of a (slightly) less than happy living experience, my roommate and I need to take matters into our own hands. In order to get out of our apartment lease, we must find new tenants.

However, our landlord is being quite difficult.

Not in the sense of "you can't! you must stay, I OWN YOU!"
No, just being as unhelpful as is humanly possible.

For starters, I have taken control of the situation. My roommate happens to be a hippie, and not the Abbie Hoffman type. The Cheech-and-Chong, fall-asleep-in-the-bathtub type.
So basically, I'm doing it all on my own.

Great.

Let's make some fliers. Let's post them. Let's receive a phone call from landlord->hippie a week later, informing us that the new tenants will pay $50 more in rent. So all those fliers? Waste. Oh, and the landlord knew I was making them. It was actually the landlords idea.

Ok, ok. No biggie.
My other ads are digital, and easily changed. Craigslist had been receiving some good hits, including one woman who is very inquisitive about the full price of moving in. I shall email the landlord, requesting her to email this woman, informing her of the costs, and taking an active landlord roll.

This morning, two days after I had sent the email, I receive this:

There is a first last payment due before move in plus a refebishing fee of $150

There's a what? And where do you keep your punctuation?
Well, ok, I can just mail this to that.... but wait, I cannot understand this sentence.

How can this person be in a place of power over me? This isn't just an off-day for landlord, nor is it a rushed answer. All things written by this person are like this. I'm actually surprised there aren't more unnecessarily cap letters.

On a side note, this person also made a typo in our lease agreement. Not just a "typeo" typo, more like confusing the word "responsible" with "reasonable."

And that counts as a legal document.

Boggle your mind

2008-10-17T18:39:00.001-04:00

I actually understand why my parents are voting for McCain.

Mrs. Trollop

2008-10-05T16:43:00.002-04:00

No, really.

Is it gross?

Or am I jealous?

Cracker Jack Decoder Ring

2008-09-17T19:45:00.003-04:00

Having recently turned 21, I've noticed an increasing number of high school classmates becoming engaged, mostly to people from outside the cliques of HHS. Well duh, we're getting older, it's getting to be that time. Is it? To me, we as an age group, as a class, are not ready to make such a commitment. We can barely keep plans for the weekend. I cannot fathom these people having the finances to start lives together. What are they thinking?

I am beginning to think, maybe it isn't the marriages. Maybe it's the next step. The getting a house, settling down in one place for an extended time. Paying bills and keeping up with the Joneses. Then what, kids? Fuck that.

People of this age group are too self-involved to be able to commit themselves to anything, we are still moving too fast. Do these people have a career? Financial plans for the future? Or are they just hoping their new in-laws will croak and leave it all to the happy couple?

There is no way I could ever drag someone else into such a situation.
"I may have $61 to my name, but I don't care! Let's jump head-first into one of the most important decisions one makes in their lives.
With this perceived lack of planning, there is a strong percentage you will end up making this decision again. I'd say, 50%.

Maureen's Wrath

2008-02-18T16:31:00.002-05:00

I am a hero.

Just a small one.

I saved the day, and a little kitty named Milo.

Humpty Dumpty

2007-10-16T19:58:00.001-04:00

Excrutiatingly depressed lately.

Excrutiating.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My computer's been in the shop for three weeks now. Ridiculous.
That word. You know why I spell "ridiculous" correctly? Because once a huge asshole that I cared for made fun of me for spelling it wrong. Rediculous.

Besides the point.

I have a doctors appointment on friday, I'm afraid.
I spent sunday night alone in my closet, bawling, making calls that weren't helping.
Being ripped apart.

Hard to say.

I need a real friend.
I need to love myself, and I don't.

And it terrifies me.

Your face is not your own

2007-09-01T18:41:00.001-04:00

While I am unsure why, a picture of Dom and I suckin' face has made its way into the Albright-Knox Art Gallery. It's probably some kind of statement about myspace, privacy on the internet, modern women, blah blah SCANDAL! Teaching us a lesson of some kind. Modern artists and their novel ideas.

I'm in a winter coat, so it's not a flesh thing. I'm not embarrassed of such a picture. So what was the criteria? Why was my profile picture one of the chosen ones, out of... how many people are on myspace now? All the down-the-shirt boob shots and emo angles and legitimate non-myspace photos.
It's Interesting.

I guess I'm art to someone then. Now that's a strange concept.

Torrential Downpour

2007-08-30T11:27:00.000-04:00

Your connection appears to originate from inside the USA.
Due to persecution from the U.S. Government, and fear of legal attack by large U.S. Corporate Interests, this site has no choice but to block all connections that appear to come from within the U.S.A. or any of it's territories or occupied countries. We regret any inconvenience, and suggest you work to change your government from within. Goodbye.

You will now be redirected to an appropriate internet site for Americans.

www.aol.com/sanitizedandprotected/kiddiezone.htm

Big Brother and Kites

2007-08-28T22:50:00.000-04:00

Sometime shortly after I downloaded the most recent episode of Kyle XY from Torrentspy, I took a nap. I've downloaded most episodes of the season from this site, since I don't get cable here at the apartment, and I was unable to drive to watch it at my parents house. I didn't know I would wake in a world barring my access to such a lovely site...

Torrentspy, after much bullying from the US government and the MPAA, has blocked all users from US IP addresses.
The site is based in Europe. I'm not mad at them, I think it's a nice "fuck off" to the US government, and I wait for some kind of press conference (aka blog floating somewhere on the internet, since I can't even read their forums) thanking us for our usage, time and torrents. US users accounted for %15 of all users. Basically, the move was made to protect its other users from being tracked by our control-freak government.

Back in june, "A complaint issued by TorrentSpy suggests the MPAA paid a hacker $15,000 to steal e-mail correspondence and trade secrets. The hacker admitted that this was true." Ridiculous?

It's not the end of the torrent world, for there are already many other sources. After all, with the downfall of Napster in 2001 thanks to the RIAA, LimeWire, Kazaa, i Mesh and Morpheus rose from the ashes.

http://torrentfreak.com/torrentspy-blocks-searches-from-us-visitors/
Also amusing:
http://torrentfreak.com/getamnestycom-mpaa-extortion-at-its-finest/

Funny thing is, without Torrentspy, I never would have even watched the first season of Kyle XY, never would have downloaded every episode from Torrentspy, and never would have purchased the DVD set when it came out.

Weird how these things turn out.

Worries

2007-08-27T10:55:00.000-04:00

It's never a pleasant feeling to read all the prerequisites required for the courses you've signed up for, and a few of them, well... you haven't taken yet. Or are taking simultaneously.

I registered for what my advisor told me to register for, right?

And only that?

Right?

Because if it doesn't work, then I'll be down 2 courses this semester...

DIY

2007-08-24T23:39:00.001-04:00

I cut it on my own. Fuck ya, salon.

I need to be impressive in order to improve my mood.

I'm covered in bug bites, yet I've been inside most of the day.

I can love myself if I try a little.

Waste

2007-08-23T15:46:00.001-04:00

Hair cuts never come out as I want them to as of late.

Ker-ouch

2007-08-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

I knocked a guy off his bike last night.

With my MIND.

Birthday

2007-08-04T15:22:00.000-04:00

Is there much worse than being sincerely upset, confiding in someone, and their response being "stop being dramatic"?

Teeth

2007-07-25T16:40:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning in an angry rage, crying and throwing things.

This class I'm taking, 5:30-9:50 M-F? Horrible.

And by the way, friday is my 20th birthday.

My parents are away on a family vacation without me, the first in 20 years. Thanks class.

My boyfriend is away on a family vacation, spur of the moment in canada, where he gets roaming charges.

They'll all be back on sunday, two days after my birthday.

Also, my sister has been in Japan for the past 2 years, this being the third birthday of mine she's missed, not to mention high school graduation, first year of college, moving to an apartment, etc etc.

Is it wrong to feel miserably angry at all of them?
Is it wrong to fantasize about them coming home early to surprise me, boyfriend especially?

Is it wrong to believe that would never happen....

Murder by numbers

2007-07-24T01:31:00.000-04:00

I, in my third year of college, am taking a summer course so that I may graduate earlier than schedualed.

In my first class, the professor played us a video. In said video, an elderly man told me that mixing red and yellow will produce orange.

Am I out of line to think that, maybe, just maybe, this course is a bit below me? Or, possibly anyone over the age of 4?

Mushroom

2007-07-17T04:00:00.000-04:00

"Did you say pig, or fig?" said the Cat.

"I said pig," replied Alice; "and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy."

"All right," said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone.

"Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice; "but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"

Pizza Rolls

2007-07-16T04:43:00.000-04:00

So late, and I'm up yet again.

My three-legged cat is keeping me company. He's a lunatic.

This year's birthday will not be the best one.

these things

2007-07-15T04:17:00.000-04:00

depressed tonight.

Shower

2007-07-15T02:09:00.000-04:00

Is it odd that I enjoy the smell of unwashed hair?

Perhaps it's a sensory memory.

Chef Tony

2007-07-14T21:31:00.000-04:00

I stayed up until 6am last night watching infomercials on channels my bunny ears could recieve. Two seperate channels tried to sell me two seperate knife sets, two channels tried to convince me to order their cd aimed at healing depression, one channel was color bars, one channel was selling me this goo that strips up to 7 layers of paint off of any surface.

Woods, metals, plaster, small rodents, you name it.

ships have sailed

2007-07-14T01:17:00.000-04:00

Today I realized that I have no idea how to make friends anymore.