I think ya broke me.

The Tail End

An Email, Sent Across the World

I feel really fucking miserable right now. Bawling my eyes out. I just don't want to be sad anymore. It's not just time. It's not just being unemployed. I've hidden myself away from people bit by bit. They don't know that I've slept through sunday, monday afternoon, and most likely tomorrow. I get up, say hello and apply to any jobs, and go back to sleep until she comes home. I'm not eating much. I'm dehydrated. I went to the gym but could barely concentrate. I just sit online all day, waiting. Checking for more jobs, checking up on people. What is there to wait for? Nightime when the daily Cheers marathon is on? Friday, for the unknown? Halloween, for me to be so self conscious I can't be myself, even in costume? John's wedding when I get to tell everyone I'm still unemployed and no, I couldn't fit my fat ass OR tits into grandma's old dress?

God I wish I was more important. I've become so dull and fearful. And I'm tired, so fucking tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Because, perhaps when I've changed, the universe will work in my favor.

I have come to adore sleep.

Sleep is when you are all mine, and if you aren't next to me, I can dream that you are. No one is taking your time up but yourself. No one can disturb our time together, until morning texts you feel are important. Calls will go unanswered at this time. No one can interrupt a conversation we have, for there are none. [In the waking world, I give into my competitors stronger voices and uninteresting chit-chat; how can they have so much to say?] You're so sweet at the time right before sleep, and it's just for me. I try to stay up just a little longer than you, so that I can relish it. The quieter I am, the more I can tell you are soundly asleep. If I am loud, if I do toss, you stay sleeping anyway. If I move ever so slightly toward you, you will fling your arm over my waist and snuggle in close, sounding so content. I do this often. You rarely remember these instances.


Then that bloody dog will bark, or that damn phone will chatter, or someone will need a favor, and you're up and away from me and my world where it is just us. You'll take on your role being big brother to everyone who requests it of you. I'll close my eyes and pretend you're still next to me, and dream of it until it is too cold to convince my sleeping self to remain there, when I jolt awake and wonder where you are. I know where you are. You're always there. I'm not in a relationship with all these people, most of them couldn't give a damn about me anyway. Then I wait all day for sleep to come again. Will I be allowed to stay tonight? Or will I have to sleep uncomfortably at home, where it is at least quiet, but you aren't there? Perhaps I'll just stay up all night, in hopes of napping with you later.


And that, dear, is why I sleep in so late.

Understood

I get it. Everyone is better than me. And everyone is infinitely more interesting than I.

Attention

Does it really need to be spelled out? Or am I just that unremarkable? Perhaps now you understand my concern?

Telephone

Maybe I do want to be treated as a princess afterall.

Drift

This semester has made me feel very unlike myself.
I am selfish, boring, and tired, all the time.

This is not me. This was never me.

Sadtown. Sad sad sad sad sadtown.